she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We had sex on a dog bed..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
