I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
