I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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