grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
