So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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