I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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