Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
