Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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