my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
