I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
