i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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