how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
