Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
