Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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