I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
