drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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