I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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