you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
