Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
