I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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