So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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