I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
