It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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