i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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