now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
