I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
