News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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