your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
