I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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