I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
