??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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