Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
