dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
