M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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