dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
