I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
