I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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