Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
