I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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