Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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