the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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