video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
