Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
