I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
