oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
