Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
