Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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