Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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