watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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