dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
