I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
