Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
